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The Tadpole Guidance Of Jesse Ventura

Rescuing 500 Plus Tadpoles From My Leaking Pond Has Been A Double Edged Sword
Initially There Was The Euphoria Of Heroic Rescue Of The Downtrodden
Saving Hundreds Of Embryonic Froglets From A Dehydration Nightmare Slow Death
I Couldn't Let That Happen
Then There Was Daily Delight Of Watching Them Wriggle Around A Blue Plastic Tub Squirming With Life
Looked Over By Me
The Friendly Giant!
Then A Gradual Realisation That They Are Growing At An Alarming Rate
And The Fact That I Haven't A Clue What They Eat
500 House Guests And No Clue How To Feed Them

Experiment Number 1:
Pellets Of Dried Cat Food Floated And Gradually Softened In The Water
And Expanded To Look Like Little Sponge Life Rafts
Initial Investigations And Quizzical Nibbles
Turned In To A Full Blown Miniature Feeding Frenzy
Pound For Pound They Put A Gang Of Great White Sharks To Shame
However, By The Next Day Their Little Bellies Were Grotesquely Swollen
And The Same Colour As The Food They Had Consumed
Within 24 Hours They Had Become Clinically Obese
Gasping For Air And Rolling Lazily Around The Surface
Drunk On Cat Food Overload
The Words "Fooool! Never Tamper With Nature" Echoed In My Head
Not For The First Time
And Not For The Last
Exit The Cat Pellet Diet
Then A Day Or Two Later
The Sneaking Suspicion Of A Lurking Sneaky Eyed Magpie Set In
As It Turned Out
This Was No Misguided Parental Paranoia
I Innocently Went Out Into The Back Garden A Day Later
Not Looking For Trouble
And Walked Straight Into A Man-Bird-Tadpole 3-Way Mexican Stand-Off

Then Came The Bizarre Moment When I Realised That An Unholy Confederacy Of Birds
- The Aforementioned Magpie,
Plus A Rogue Blackbird
And A Well Groomed But Suggestible Wood Pigeon That Should Have Known Better
Had Formed The All Beaks Tadpole Fan Club
Taking Turns To Swoop Down
Grip The Side Of The Tub
And Snack On My Charges At Their Leisure
As If They Were Frog Flavoured Doritos
"Not In My Garden!" I Howled And Lunged At Them Melodramatically
Each Of Them Squawked Venom Dripping Bird Obscenities
As They Sodded Off Over The Fence
The Casualty Rate Was Luckily Minimal
I Proceeded To Place Some Of The Rapidly Swelling Tadpoles In 3 Separate Bowls
Inside The Conservatory For Protection
Leaving The Remainder In The Tub Outside
With A Plastic Garden Chair As A Makeshift Roof And Beak Guard
And Still They All Grow
And With Them, Grows My Sense Of Responsibility
I'm Past The Point Of No Return
I Am Their Adoptive Father
I Can't Abandon Them Now
Even If I Was That Callous
I Couldn't Do It

It Would Be A Social Services Matter
A Local Paper Name And Shame Front Pager
No Doubt The Sun Would Buy The Story And Demonise Me Mercilessly
Headline
"Townsfolk Traumatised By Tin Hearted Teacher's Treacherous Tadpole Treatment!"
The More Subtle Daily Star Would Lead With
"The Tadpole Whisperer Speaks With Forked Tongue!"
The Sport Would Go With
"Spawn Of The Devil! Shameless Frogman Has Sex Orgy With 500 Tadpoles Then Dumps The Lot Of Them! (Turn To Page 4 For Their Side Of The Story!)"
The Thing Is
The Tadpoles Have No Natural Predators With Me Looking Over Them
Which Is A Magical Ending For A Film
But This Is Not A Film
The Story Doesn't Stop Here
And I Don't Know What To Do Next
I Have No Doubt That There Is Trouble Brewing
Assuming A 100% Survival Rate
500 Full Grown Frogs In One Garden
Is Asking For A Whole Heap Of Trouble

Actually
Speaking Of Predators
As Popeye-Chinned
Tobacco-Chewin'
Jesse Ventura Said In Predator
In That Impossibly Low, Rumbling, Macho-As-Granite Voice Of His
Not Long Before He Had His Chest Hollowed Out And Cauterised
By The Ugly Flap Faced Alien's Shoulder Blaster Gizmo Thingy:
"We're Enterin' A World O' Hurt!"
Man, That Big-Boned, Camoflague-Hatted Behemoth Of Few Words Had Wisdom
With Lines Like That
No Wonder They Made Him The Governor Of Minnesota, USA
I Salute You, Jesse
And Humbly Ask Your Advice Regarding My Froglet Dilemma

Epilogue: Jesse did not let us down - his answer was Fish Food Flakes